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A Classy Kind of Day

Woke up and went to Walmart.

First of all, I know know its bad comedic form to to go after Walmart and some of its more native natives. Too easy, overdone, unfair. I should find something original to write about, I know.

But then again, it's a little like childbirth. Everyone who has done it knows generally what happens yet birth stories are a big thing. I worked the ticket booth at the movie theatre when Titanic came out. Imagine how many times I had to fake laugh at people who made jokes about not giving away the ending. Spoiler alert- It sank. Same deal with childbirth stories. It's mostly the same every time... Many horrifying things play out in the nether-regions of every women who walks into to the hospital with intentions to walk out with a baby. Nearly every story will include lots of pain, probably lots of drugs and possibly pooping on a table.

So point being, even though its been done and done and done... as long as humans rationalize that the last time wasn't that bad and lets get in and out and take home what we came for.... we still have babies and still go to Walmart on the Saturday morning before Easter and therefore we will still have to talk about it.

6:00 am, still in bed.

Hubs : "Hey- what's on that shopping list this morning?"

Me: "Cough syrup, milk, quiche, Easter bunny haul and non candy items to stuff in easter eggs.... So that means we need to hit Walgreens for the cough syrup (king's didn't carry it), the dollar store which opens at 9 for easer egg fill and Costco for the milk and quiche- but they don't open till 10. And probably Target for something not totally lame from the Easter bunny."

Hubs: "What? No, we are going to Walmart. I bet we can get it all there. IT WONT BE THAT BAD. In and out."

So as I would do before heading into the hospital while experiencing a bout of labor nausea and not believing "It's not as bad as you remember it", I donned my classiest pair of sweat pants and promised myself I'd do it without drugs this time.

7:00 am

Hubs: "Dude (yes, he calls me dude)- everything is so cheap! This bag of cough drops is 2 dollars cheaper than at Walgreens!"

Me: "Keep walking- eyes forward"

7:30 am

Hubs: "Still No quiche, maybe we should make it."

(Background information... I don't bake. Unless I have to. Even if pouring beaten eggs into a pre-made pie crust doesn't really count as baking... )

Me: "No way, I'll call Village Inn. They make pies, they make breakfast. Breakfast + Pie = Quiche."

Pauleen from Village Inn : "Hello Village Inn, How may I help you?"

Me: "Hello, Do you have Quiche?"

Pauleen: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Do you have KEEESH?

Pauleen: "Ma'am (sounding dubious), this is a family restaurant."

*Me flipping through brain rolodex of inappropriate things that sound like Quiche*

Me (treading carefully) : "Quiche as in a scrambled egg pie?

Pauleen: "I know what a quiche is."

So standing in my afore mentioned sweats, in Walmart while my husband compares prices on pork rinds. I'm confused but thinking... "Huh, Guess I'm too fancy for Village Inn. But sadly not fancy enough to figure out where to buy a quiche so I can avoid the extra math involved in timing a preheat."

8 am

*Wandering and Looking for something that says I love you and I, as Easter Bunny, am supplying something that isn't a disappointment but doesn't dive too far into commercializing a sacred holiday; won't break, cause diabetes, make noice, cause cancer, start fights or costs too much. Oh and is tailored to each of the 5 children + dog and their specific age range and interest group.


Husband rethinking the life energy cost associated with Walmart shopping

8:40 am

*Throwing random items into communal basket. Xbox gift card on top. Pork Rinds on bottom.

9:00 am

Ever Seen the show "I Shouldn't be Alive"? Much like our birth story/ Walmart shopping track its basically the same thing every episode. Unlike Childbirth but mostly like Walmart- someone goes somewhere they should be, doesn't stick to a plan and is passed over by 3 rescue helicopters before spending last moments of strength scratching legally questionable wills into tree bark and getting rescued at the last possible second.

Parking lot. Where I was passed by a fashionable woman wearing a fanny pack.

.... But really, GUCCI is on board so..... here's where to get yours. Seriously, tell 'em I sent ya. But then again... $790.00 can get you a lot of pork rinds.


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